Graduating...

It has been a three year process to get to this day- graduation! I should be oh-so-happy to reach this day but instead it is bittersweet. I struggle to deal with the parts of me that are missing- my family and friends. This day serves as a reminder of a "great accomplishment" but I caught myself tearing up today. More than a degree, I wish my brother, grandma, and aunt were here to celebrate this day with me. Would they be proud? As a Christian, that is so silly. There opinions arent what matter right?! Yet, they matter. They matter to me and for that my heart breaks.

Life has changed so much in my 25 years on this planet. I have loved without an inhibitions or limits and have lost as well. As most people experience- gone are the days of innocense, boys have cooties, and taking a job because its "fun". Today is the day Schyler Bryanne! Today is the day to GO! The light at the end of the tunnel is TODAY! AHHHH! But Lord, I am not ready. I want to be a child again. I want to live in my complete child-like ignorance when loving you was oh-so-easy. For so long I desired to "be a real adult" and now.... I am not so sure.

I was told today "You are so amazing; I could never do your job with counseling children". I am not amazing; I am obedient. Or at least I desire to be. I can think of no other way to spend my life. Serving others is who I am. My heart breaks for the broken: the widows, orphans, diseased, grieving, lost. Yet, I look at my life and each day as I leave for work with my new job I think, "Is this enough? I should be doing more." Hmmm....

The idea of living on my own, dating, marriage, children is all too much. I am not ready, Lord. This day has brought confusion instead of clarity and direction. It was in my ignorance that I believed this day would make all things perfect.

I find rest and peace in your arms, Lord.